...and the foot steps that I leave behind

Monday, October 29

sungai nil dan tembok besar china.

sore it is.
deep. deep down in my heart.

true, but i found myself had to accept and learn; sebaik-baik tempat mengadu ialah Allah swt.
bukan pada manusia. walau sedekat serapat seakrab manapun.

Wahai Tuhan yang membolak balikkan hati, tetapkan hati kami, kuatkan iman kami.

Friday, October 5


lets talk about thursday, shall we?
yes, i'm late by a day. its friday now, bak kata rabecca....
after almost a year, i was listening to that song just now..how lifeless one could be to be playing that song?
at 4 in the morning?

#this is my first weekend/night without my roomate....

we all need that now, a melarikan diri project, solo or berkumpulan.
should have gone back yesterday too..right after i handed in that cs thingy. right after our malay class. right after my most lingkaran gelap bawah mata day...huahuahua..kononlah....
its getting weirder everyday... 36 days left.
i don't really know which one is the worst one.
that hit so badly...
is it this one assignment per week thing?
yeah....every thursday is a submission day for all sort of assignment. at least xdelah satu khamis sampai 10 kene submit kan? tapi still....xdan nak bernafas..jadinya friday je yg tarik nafas n hembus kejap. sabtu get back on work.......kelas,kelas,kelas,kelas, submit something else now.
or is it the things with this place? the rules that i'm not keen of?the 'runaway' card that was always 'being misplaced'... the not so good news i received two or perhaps nearly three weeks ago? the so many websites blocked here and there? have no idea...... clearly, i'm not coping well with this.

i'm terrible at time management. i dont need anyone to tell me that. but...
there's one more thing i'm terrible at; lipat baju. being doing that since 10pm last nite. tak siap2 jugak..... i have always hated it. lipat baju.... please...something else? basuh baju pun better lagi dari lipat tau...

looking forward for the first thursday  yang takde bulatan merah sekelilingnya on my calendar after a while..yeah, of course. forum. seminar. lawatan. didn't circle that.they dont weigh the same as assignment.aite?..so..macam lega sedikit di situ..sedikits lah..sedikits..lama-lama boleh jadi bukit. like my baju-baju yang kene lipat nih..kan?

*anyway, thanks to that someone; tomorrow is definitely gonna be a better day.

Sunday, September 23


Public speaking.
So it was today.
it was this morning.
and i was the one who took the paper with number 1 written on it.
God is great. He gives me many great friends.
My trembling feet, ears, eyes, kidney, and etc should be more than enough to beg helps from them.
So timi did it first instead. Oh, should i actually mention this? arh...just let it out, so...actually i was thinking, if i am extra lucky today, i might get my LTP group to present first too! hoooorayyy!!

anyway, lets talk about the public speaking again. I had my first and last one in 2005. It went...horrible! To cut it short, the teacher in charge refused to talk with me after that, until...today..yeah, today lah, dah after school i never actually meet her again.
-clearing throat-

so, as promised, he reminded zizi last night about it, with a promise that the audience is gonna be just us, 24. minus farah who is currently at her brother's wedding in Selangor. so, just 23. plus him, 24 again. eh..ok stop.
So, guess what? As i predicted,he, of course would have invited other classes as well. HEy its product of UK talking in public!!!! Like seriously -__-

so tadaaaaa... so many people, some sitting, some standing.
good. i was surprised. really.
so no magic happened to me. last night i was praying so hard, make it easy for me....amin. i dont know, something like, storm, fire emergency, i fall sick, yeah anything that would delay this. anything. ANYTHING.

But NOTHING happened. nothing as i imagined. so it went like this, i stood there, chickened. andbabbling around, from UK to my friends, and how lovely they are, and then to the library, the printing services, assignment, the guards, to the rules, to the cafe, the food,  to the public speaking, to people, facebook, twitter, and even, myself. oh yeah, en even pengarah. like seriously.

and then i left.

lets pray for a better tomorrow peeps!

Tuesday, August 28

prodigious dreams

to wake up and stop yourself from living in a dreamland that would never get real is hard isn't it?

so hi again blog yang telah berlabah-labah, kerengga dan semut api.

lama tak jumpa..
i think, i left this when i'm still in the UK. try to get back to you but my smartphone apparently is just another lame superstupidphone as it touch down KLIA. huhu. so, lotsa pending posts coming....
so how was that 'mainan' ?
well...it went greatly fine. like seriously. biasalah cabaran sikit-sikit kan? some people can't accept the fact that things have changed, and will keep on changing. let this change too please. #dream 1
insyaAllah i will stay the way i wanna be, the way which i believe is the best for me till my last day, with His will of course. InsyaAllah, that would not change. amin. #dream 2

hey, being back here (Malaysia) is not that bad actually. lotsa conflicts, firstly within yourself, with you clock, watch and alarms, with the weather, the systems, rules, etc etc.  but here as in (maktab) is well.... hurm, stop complaining. that should wrap up the whole situation well aite? things will get better. #dream 3

giler malas nak tulis. dah tu nape gatal jugak tulis. sebab aku rase macam dah makin bodoh sebab lama tak taip ape-ape. english or even bahasa. teruk sangat dah. berkarat yang terengganu kate; 'karat dekkoh' (extremely lousy level) hopefully hipotesis semakin rajin maka semakin pandai akan berjaya jadi nyata, #dream 4.

i ate popia nestum far too much lately. dah jadi macam baby sangat dah kan? makanya, time to sleep. pukul 12 is super lewat sangat dah...kbai,.assalamualaikum. 

Friday, July 27


"Boleh tak kami nak..ambil lima?" (FM 2012).

It was quite a LOL, yes indeed it is.
But honestly,
At the moment.. I do need, infact more than 5..

Saturday, June 23


beruntunglah orang-orang itu.
Bukankah terlalu beruntung mereka?

Beruntungnya orang-orang yang sedang menyayangi seseorang pada hari ini, kerana mampu menyayangi seseorang itu juga adalah satu nikmat besar yang sungguh mahal, dan telah Allah berikan percuma kepada kita. ada orang yang tak mampu merasa sayang sesama manusia. maka masyarakat kita ada yang jadi pembunuh. ada orang yang tak mampu untuk sayang pada haiwan dan alam. maka kita juga ada para perosak. ada orang juga, yang hilang rasa sayang pada diri sendiri.. maka, mereka juga telah selamat hilang.

So...let's sayang menyayang, dan jadi orang beruntung itu!!!

Friday, June 1


orang kata, mimpi tu mainan tidur. tapi kalau betul mainan, how come kadang tu, bila jaga hati kita berdegup kencang macam taufan? mata kita berair tahan tsunami.. bukan ker mainan itu entertainment? hati patut girang, riang..
So, tak semua mimpi adalah mainan, or at least tak semua adalah patung barbie atau kerete kebal dan doll house.
Mungkin sebab kita tak selamnya budak.
Bila dewasa, mimpi yang menakutkan is no longer equal to mimpi hantu. Mimpi kenyataan lagi menakutkan.
Kata pakar yg anonymous, dalam tidur kita dlm separa sedar. maka benda-benda yg kita fikir masa jaga, sgt fikir or ape jelah akan dtg dlm mimpi. aku risau. sangat. sebab itu mainan ni datang setiap malam. mimpi sama over and over again. those that I worry about so so much is coming closer. and even closer when close my eyes.
InsyaAllah it would not happen. insyaAllah.

Wednesday, May 30


its been wonderful.
a month full with lots of wonderful events, beautiful moments and significant memory for me.

hari ini, kaki dan tangan pun akan mula membebel if they can talk.
pulang dari sleepover td, terbump parents amal. ramah orangnya. menggamit jiwa betul bila tengok kawan-kawan yang dah bersatu dengan family mereka.

penat pulang, bersiap terus ke asda, pulang asda pergi lunch date with my housemates n gadiz shipping. next, city. mencari-cari. ada yang jumpa ada yang tidak. pergi city untuk say goodbye kat H&M, Primark dan rakan-rakan yang benyak berjasa selama 3 tahun ni. eh, lupa nak goodbye kat Costa..kena pergi lagilah ni..kikiki..

pulang, sambung lagi. baru je selesai with my weekly kuliah. alhamdulillah. another great sharing. insyaAllah will be bermanfaat for me, and to for others too. ^__^ nilah actually part paling nerves bila pikir dah dekat nak balik. siapa akan terkejut, dan dikejutkan? macam mana kalau aku yang terkena culture shoch kat negara sendiri, satu scenario yang menurut Roishin adalah normal untuk dialami. for 3 years stay. aduh, risau risau. serahkan pada Dia. insyaAllah.

insyaAllah ;
esok hari shipping, hurm... seronok. lega sikit rumah after this.
lusa, bertolak ke Warwick. Conventry. bertemu mereka yang aku dah mula merindu.
tulat..haha..sampai tulat planningnye; Loughborough in Leicester-shire area.. lebih kuranglah...new journey. semoga segalanya berjalan dengan lancar. niat yang penting kan? :)

penat kan jari? one good news for you my dear fingers, people said; dont count after ten, coz the kids can do that for ya.. sapelah people tuh.hehe.. with that, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and one day before we leave. lau aku rajen, aku jenguklah kau wahai blog, i have many other things to say bye to too. haha.

Tuesday, May 29


eleven days before we leave this place, we had our yet not really last farewell gathering.
apa-apa pun, we wont really part..as we could always gather in our hearts kan?

this time, at paverell, my juniors house and later ended with late evening tea/milo/horlicks/etc at mutleys' gang place.
lawak betul dari kes usaha menjadi bomba tak bertauliah, hingga menjadi commentar tak bersijil untuk setiap iklan kat tv. haddoiyy.. kesian juniors kami, mesti konpius habis tengok seniors yang macam tak pernah jumpa tv seumur hidup.

mereka, adik-adik kami yang kami pernah cukup jauh walaupun dekat suatu ketika dahulu.
sebelah dinding je. tapi jauh sangat hubungan tuh.
sekarang, bila nak berjarak lautan pacific, hindi,dan even china selatan..dan apalagi tak tau..huhu geography probs skit, maps n globe plak dah masuk kotak shipping..abaikan..
dah nak berjauh, physically.. sedang hati kami cukup rapat lately..

kenang kami dalam doamu. hee...ayat cliche tapi tulah..nak mintak apelagi kan. still, insyaAllah lau umur panjang, ade rezeki mungkin kita akan masih jumpe after this..who knows? =only Allah. :)

no pitchas..
yet. kot.

the sleepover pun best, sebab boleh overslept sekali kan.. haha.
adik-adik yang baik, i really mean it when i said this. siyesly, baik. sangat-sangat. bertuah kami.

Monday, May 28


kurang seronok sedikit today...
benda kurang seronok tentang jadi dewasa;
making choices.. and the dilemma that u had to face everyday.
my very simple yet cost me one whole day and another sleepless night;
choosing my shipping box. satu kotak besar sangat, my barang2 dah siap offer housemate lau nak tumpang or sewa tapak bak kate hanim.. pun x jugak full..
the other is too small sampai macam nak tercirit kotak tuh..arh bahasa..abaikan..

pindah masuk dan keluar, unpack, repack few times..
akhirnya, my sengsareness of packing berakhir.
dear juniors, err..haha..tak tahu apa nasihat patut diberi di sini. kisahnya, jangan kisah.
anyway..inilah rupa kotak-kotak yang bikin kepala pusing macam masuk washing washine spin 1000..

dan setelah mereka bergabung beramai-ramai membentuk Kota BoxesTower;

epic art of troling myself 1: pening sampai pergi cantum kotak dan fully salotape siap, tapi bahagian bawah dulu...
epic art of trolling myself 2: to and from. ade ke send kat nama sendiri... fenin.
epic art of troling myself 3: takde barang sangat nak ship, walau dah double carboot and ape ape boot..i even ship tisu beli kat asda.. sadis.. need to fill the spaces lau tak lagi x balance kotak kan?? 

Sunday, May 27

tiga belas...

"macam main rumah sukan.." ingat lagi, tulah komen dari salah seorang krew Kelana Convoy pasal nama group kami masa kami beratur ikut group nak naik gendola Venice..eh, macam salah eja. abaikan...masa mula-mula ice breaking, dorang kata macam nombor..ermmm.. apa-apa pun 3 years living here, ade zaman susah zaman senang, pernah banjir kilat sekali, amaran macam nak roboh sekali, kena kacau ngan orang mabuk banyak kali, serangan telur busuk jugak, ..kenangan baik banyak sangat lau nak taip. abaikan. definisi home tu apa? house 13 definitely fits the criteria..

cakap pasal rumah, dengan coolnya pada hari ahad yang separa sunny ini, sedang aku menjemur baju ala-ala gadis melayu terakhir, tetibe ternampak jiran tetangga maw gi carboot. apalagi kan?? ke carboot lagi kaki ini, untuk kali yang terakhir kedua nampaknya. laju je bile ajak berjalan..syok tau. but paling syok n cool is this;

mengancam perut dan mata...
abang (pakcik actually) waiter ala2 jack sparrow dah..
tapi jack sparrow apalah sangat nak banding dengan segerombolan manusia berkadpengalan MyKad memenuhi restauran ala-ala rombongan cik kiah gitu.. kikikiki.. it is indeed a fun day. last-last macam ni baru kuar sesama ramai-ramai, unplanned and spontaneous. sementara aku yang asalnya hanyalah gadis yang sedang menjemur baju, yang lain-lain adalah mereka yang terbertweet dan terus meet up. hurm.. ^^,.. i like it when tech do nice things for us..
anyway, ....macam tak biasa, i sat sebelah orang puteh yang sungguh ramah dan tamah lagi... kami berdiskas tentang macam-macam termasuklah isu hala tuju pendidikan negara, kadar umur mula membaca, jumlah anak perfamiliy di Malaysia, Sgapore dan China.. 

eh Singapore..baru teringat, another cool thing, jumpa  orang Singapore mase duk usah perfume ngan Aufa.. walaupun as she admits, her Malay dah agak kabur-kabur...tapi best jugak bercakap dengan aunty nih. huh, bila cakap dengan orang sama rantau baru melatup topiknya. kami cakap tentang... MAKANAN.. hehe.. baru yer.. ni tak, ade ke tak kenal maka tak cinta terjah dengan soalan populasi negara, kelayakan para guru, kadar itu dan ini.. hadoiyyy..

masa tak tunggu sesiapa.
oleh itu.. hari telah berlalu, dengan seribu dalih taknaknyer. harus jua ku completekan sesi packing shipping box.. hupssssse. 

Saturday, May 26


nak tunjuk benda comel.
comel sangat.
siyes comel.

orang yang kasi ni pun comel-comel belaka..

hari ni kami ada majlis khatam Quran. unik sangat. i thought majlis ni akan secara formalnya, bace Quran, pastu salam2 etc. kami dah siap sedia nak buat tema jubah lady in black lagi.
tapi mereka yang amat creative buat cara lain.
kami solat sama-sama. open air, open road lagi. bila lagi nak rasa ini masa kat UK kan? its been a while anyway... jap, syahdu attack. hurm...

pas solat, ada baca Quran ramai-ramai jugak. untuk habiskan part of the final juzuk; surah Ad-Dhuha kebawah. hee..ada Insyirah sekali tuh..favourite.

pas mengaji ada cakap-cakap sikit, pastu ada makan-makan banyak, siap ada pulut kuning lagi...siap ada..herrr..mi goreng terbang, hehehe..pastu...kami main.
main macam-macam.
bukan main tu yang best actually, the togetherness tu yang mahal yang amat disini.
i'll miss you. like so so so much.
terima kasih untuk segala kenangan terindah yang diberi selama ini.
 kerdil diri ini tak termampu nak membalas.
terima kasih ya Rabb,Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Penyayang. rahmatNya tidak pernah putus dari segala segi...

oh, dah masenya. target malam ni; satu kotak kena siap, AT LEAST. huuu...berat itu. 

Friday, May 25


Dear Pooh, i miss you so much that i include you in my materials for the teaching activity for this assignment.
can you spot yourself there?

25 haribulan 5.
tarikh buat dan hantar assignment terakhir.
lassst payyyperr bak kata jozan.
so dah bebas ke?
belum... seperti biasa..kesan amukan assignment, my room macam kapal dah karam terlanggar iceberg dilanggar lari pula oleh todak. sangatlah student.
my housemates dah berjaya 50%, 30% dan 20% pack barang-barang, bilik dah macam orang baru pindah masuk plak. my room masih macam orang taknak pindah masuk atau keluar. kelaut mungkin.

its been awhile since i last watch the sunrise. so i thought why not today..since i have to stay up to finish my postponed work anyway.. but then i realised, why it is hard for me to do it lately. not hard, more to impossible..through this window. because, the trees have started to grow again.. the leaves, very hijau and so rimbun!! tadaaa.. auchakkk no more, the sun is hidden behind the tree. the big tall strong tree. i dont blame you tree, at least i have a place to sidai baju anyway.. alhamdulillah...^_^

last personal tutorial dengan kakak angkat. hehe.
taklah hehe sangat actually, more to tears thingy..
my longest tutorial..sampai terambil masa orang lain, sorryyyyyyy... T_T
roishin pun bicara tentang masa depan tadi. sedihnya.
jugak tentang kejutan, what to expect and to be prepared for. she's a nice person i would say. so nice that it is very sad to have to say goodbye today. argh that words will be the routine for the next day, and days onward. but  i would say goodbye isn't really a bad thing after all, it gives you the best reason to say hello again.

Thursday, May 24


betape unmotivatednya untuk buat assignment,
rela pergi tengok orang berdebat pasal ptptn..
isyk isyk isyk..
dier sebut pasal bilis... sungguh, makan sambal bilis pedas time-time gini pun syok jugak.

kawan saya, ayahnya dah siap-siap planning, nak beli tulang dan bawa jauh ke KL... nak buat sup tulang untuk anaknya yang akan pulang dari UK.
kawan saya, maknya dah rancang siap-siap untuknya untuk cuti summer seketika bila pulang nanti.
kawan saya, dia dah rancang nak buat ape mula-mula balik nanti, termasuklah untuk daftar jadi pengundi dengan SPR.
kawan saya, dan kawan-kawan saya yang lain dah duduk semeja berdiskusi dan merancang untuk konvoy ramai-ramai ke kenduri kawen teman kami yang lain lepas balik Malaysia nanti.
itu kawan-kawan saya...
saya tak buat apa-apa. saya takutlah. apa yang saya nak expect dari orang, dan apa yang orang nak expect dari saya.
tapi abah saya, tiap kali dia kami cakap telefon, kalau dier sebut tentang masak apa hari itu, mesti dia akan tambah; jangan risau, ikan keli abah bela tu, abah simpan lagi.. tunggu anak abah balik makan..
adik saya pun ada cakap, durian akan tunggu saya.
sebenarnya, mungkin sebab asyik cakap tentang goodbye for good, leaving for good and so on.. its scary to think about what's waiting for you next. if you know where this topic is moving to now...
saya takut, nak cakap apa akan jadi nanti, dan nanti. takut, wujudkah lagi nanti tuh?
orang kata, kalau tak panjat tinggi sangat, bila jatuh kurang sikit sakit. saya cuba, untuk tidak panjat terlalu tinggi. sebab saya memang dah gayat pun sekarang.

Wednesday, May 23


i was born on 17th February.. many many years ago..hence i quite like that number..dulu-dulu tu number password..kikiki..kini tidak lagi, -sebab dah tulis kat blog kan,..

we had our last farewell party this afternoon..this time with fellow lecturers for our elective subjects..those which require me to watch movies and read lotsa books.. to be honest, i find myself working much harder for my elective classes. sebab, jujurnya, aku sangat sangat jarang buat reading yang kelas harian.. but buku satu bijik yang elective ni rajen plak aku bace. even video yang module wajib suh tengok, yang 10 minit ej pun aku terlupa nak tengok..siyes terr-lupa. yang movie tu sampai katam 3 kali..
boring kot..too much of terminology, pedagogy,principles stuff..
memanglah, karya agung sastera isn't any better lau cakap isu bosan tapi tak taula.. tekanan sebab selalu kena 'nominated' dalam kelas elective agaknya.. lecturer elective esp mr john suka sangat main sebut sebut name. ape lagi, takkan nak buat muka seposen nak mengaku tak bace..so lau tak bace buku tu, aku try jugak bantai jawab bukan-bukan sekalipun. segan aih. sebab, ade orang putih dalam kelas tuh. so rase sangat malu lagi memalukan kalau depan orang putih 'orang kuning' ni mengaku malas nak buat homework kan? bila kelas wajib, dah semua orang bukan putih dalam kelas..so xde sense of nak jage imej negara bangsa dan agama sangat kot.. giler patrioritik statement.. true, duk kat negara orang you learn to think and behave better, sebab macam tertulis sangat kat dahi tu, "aku orang malaysia". nak buang gula-gula punyer pembalut tu kat tepi longkang pun tak sanggup. rase macam dikejar cctv 24/7. kadang-kadang sebab negara, tapi banyak kadang sebab agama. sebab selaku muslimah, people could tell straight away who i am from my hijab. in short, aku belajar rase tanggungjawab pada agama, untuk jage diri, jaga perangai demi agama nak banding masa duk kat negara sendiri. aneh dan menakutkan. kalau itulah yang buat aku behave selama ni, now,..dah dua minggu lebih je lagi nak pulang, mampu ke aku terus menjaga diri, menjaga iman, dan akhlak demi agama? akan segan lagikah aku untuk buat kesalahan? ke aku jadi tak kisah? adakah aku akan ingat, yang cctv memang sentiasa dikeliling aku, diaudit dan dipantau sebelah kanan dan sebelah kiri dan tidak pernah mengira, dibumi mana aku berpijak.
dulu-dulu, masa mula-mula sampai sini..malasnye nak bangun subuh awal2, sebab mase autumn-winter tu subuh smpai kul 8 pun subuh lagi.. selalu kena bebel diri sendiri. ayat aku selalu bagi kat diri sendiri; " bangun woiii... ppuan yang baik utk llaki yang baik, pepuan yang malas bangun subuh awal2 untuk lelaki yang macam tulah jugakkk" adoiii..seketul..fine. aku bangun cepat-cepat pastu.. tapi agak hari-hari jugak nak kena remind macam tuh. macam dah betul teknik tuh, tapi still salah. coz kalau pikir balik lau sebab takut dapat jodoh yang buruk je aku berusaha nak jadi budak baik, kalau aku dah kawen, dah tahu baik buruknya dia, tak payah dah nak jadi yang the best in my life, my attitude, my ibadah and etc?
 ada satu poster kat doodle dakwah fb aku intai tadi.. satu kartoon comel, perempuan muda pakai stoking kuar, mak cik tua tegur kenapa pakai stokin, sejukker? cik adik muda jawab, sebab dier sayang Allah, jadi dier pakai stokin sebab kaki kan aurat jugak... pergh jawapan orang itu. betul, bukan sebab takut kaki kena bakar api neraka. bukan sebab takut ada pak iman lalu dan tergoda kat kaki dia. bukan sebab takut kaki kena sunburn api dunia. tapi sebab Allah semata-mata. itu yang utama dan yang datang dahulu. motif.
bak kata my fren's FB; orang tak double memang suka ambil gambar bunga..

ps: walaupun aku tak double, tapi aku tak pernah sorang2....bukankah Dia selalu ada di sisi? :)

Tuesday, May 22


hey ingat tak dulu when you are finally, 18 years old?
hurm..sweet 18 kan?? tak ingat? haddoiy.
me lagilah hampeh..tak ingat sangat..it was few years ago kan?
i am so the very gelabah person during that time..

kini tidak lagi!!
dengan bantuan super power bernama malastahapbaben, saye tidak lagi gelabah biawak macam dulu.

"rilexlah..buat ape nak gelabah lebih-lebih..assignment due hari jumaat, bukan esok." -nasihat aku pada diriku sendiri.
sungguh, tak semua nasihat itu betul dan wajib diikuti. ini antara contohnyer.
tak gelabahla... haa..now baru tersedak sampai melayang huruf-huruf kat keyboard laptop (tak exxegarate-ini kisah benar). tak cukup masa nak buat.. huhu..
esok ade farewell party. lagi? well, seronok tau ade makan-makan, gathering time dekat nak balik for kebaikan ni.. sebab, boleh tatap wajah-wajah yang mungkin kita tak dapat jumpa lagi puas puas..
maybelah nanti food yang akan ditatap lebih banyak, tapi time, moment spend together tu susah tau nk dapat.
oh ya, tahukah anda apabila orang suka sangat larang cakap masa makan, macam ni gaya dia larang lebih kuran;  "oi, mase makan tak baik bercakap!!"
ok, tetttt..kurang tepat di situ. kerana, (Muslim perspective) bercakap ie berbual semasa makan adalah sunnah.
bukan cakap mulut penuh sampai nasi terpelanting corner baring landing siap atas pipi kawan kat depan, bercakap dan berbual yang.., u know... bertanya kabar dan sebagainya.
bukan bila makan, makan semakan-makannya, tak pandang kiri kanan..tak tegur orang sebelah langsung!! hehe..
macam ajar cara melintas jalan raya plak..tapi hakikatnye, begitulah.
sila bertegur sapa. majlis makan-makan sepatutnya mengeratkan kasih dan sayang. sila baca mengeratkan itu dengan 'e' berbunyi e as in ekor.. bukan e as in emak. lain jadinya...
sekian, merapuing di tengah malam untuk hari ini.
jumpa esok, selepas berfarewell party, insyaAllah.. ^_^

Monday, May 21


..kata seorang kawan, sebaik-baik tempat mengadu adalah pada Allah swt. memang betul pun, Dia sahaja yang akan dengar sedengarnya. dan tadi, Allah hadiahkan kami pelangi indah..hey, hujan yang sementara itu juga satu rahmat..sebab setiap ujian yang mendekatkan kite kepada Dia adalah yang sebaik-baiknya.. :)
si puteri baru melihat dunia. nanti insyaAllah aunty dari UK ni balik nak tengok kamu sweetheart.
sikit je lagi nak jadi baby Rejab. kalau tak, dah sama dengan aunty. Dah nak masuk Rejab, tunggu senja nanti.. dan Rejab tak lama my birthday yang ke..... malas nak cakap. tua sangat rasenyer..*tetibe*. please please please, give me some birthday present, even your smile will do. i mean it. sedih tau..bila ada yang berjauh hati dengan kita at time like this.

iklan: still have 3000 words to go for my assignment. how to reach it?
talking about words again.. where to begin this? -i'm not good at words.. seriously not good. sebab tu ade a few people yang sedang agak angry with me.. agak, macam manelah aku agak tuh...aku tak boleh bace hati orang, tapi aku tahu bace hati aku. hati aku cakap; sorry sangat2. tak sengaja. tak berniat walau sedetik kurang mahupun lebih.

when we looked, but failed to see. when we heard, but failed to listen. and when we talked but failed to speak. we lose.

when i wrote that, i also had no clue how to fix it. we, both side lose it. sebab, apa yang dilihat, didengar dan dikatakan jadi tak jelas. maka salah paham berlaku. tang endinglah yang paling tak best. wahai kawan, aku sayang sangat sangat kat kau, sebab kau kawan aku, tahu tak? tak pernah aku menangis untuk seorang kawan lebih lebat sehinggalah waktu aku terbaca ayat ini; ok, sila selak sendiri. surah al zukhruf ayat ke 67. aku nangis selebatnye mase tu, dan tadi jugak. sebab aku seorang kawan yang sangat fail, all this while. i looked, and i know but i pretend not to see. so i determined to fix it. but as i tried..i made mistakes. makin worse yer? so so so sorry.
i failed to speak of it though i am talking about it. and failed to make you listen to my words though you can hear it.
faham tak perasaan nak protect orang yang kita sayang, seprotect yang mungkin sampai tahap, nak protect dier dunia dan akhirat? itulah yang aku rase. i had no clue why i feel that way though. But what i know is, i hope there s someone out there willing to do so for me too..
tolong, tolong protect aku..dunia dan akhirat.

Sunday, May 20


macam-macam yang dah terjadi, sedang terjadi,dan bakal terjadi.
kite cume tahu yang sudah, itu pun ade yang kite dah lupa.
kite cume tahu yang sedang..itu pun ade juga terlepas pandang..
kite tak pernah tahu yang akan, sebab yang kite dah dah planned pun kadang-kadang tak jadi kenyataan..
for me, my kadang-kadang tu..lagi lebat agaknyer.

banyak sangat,
things that i planned, in my to-do-list masa mula-mula dulu.
before fly lagi.
i planned, nak pulang cuti summer sekali je. sekali lagi, nak rase hidup perantauan, raya, jalan2 dan etc.
failed. my heart tak cukup macho..hancur tembok hati bile nampak harge tiket turun walau 1 pound.
hancur kali kedua, bile tengok family upload gambar baby baru in de family dah pandai buat itu dan ini.
i planned.. nak tour situ sana sini.. x fail sangat.. dapatlah jugak.. tapi tak sama macam yang di plan. negara-negara yang aku planned dari dulu. dalam senarai 12 negara to go within this 3 years. i never put Arab Saudi in the list. yelah, zaman muda mudi, i thought, haji dan umrah untuk orang-orang yang dah pencen sahaja. yakin ye umur panjang kan? alhamdulillah sempat pergi. terima kasih ya Allah...
i planned.. balik nanti nak jadi OKB. hahaha.. plan paling ajaib. plan jadi tak jadi dengan kehadiran alison selaku wakit menteri perumahan kami di sini. summer balik msia 2 bulan pun bayar penuh, dah balik terus pun bayar lagi.. mane nak jadi OKB kan? OBK maybe..
i planned, balik nanti... huahua..yang ni tak boleh tulis.. public. tapi so far, macam tak mungkin juga. tapi bukankah Allah sahaja yang Maha Mengetahui dan menentukan segalanya? mane tau?? ^^,

yang dah lepas... dapat ramai kawan baru. dapat rapat kawan lama. dapat kenal kawan. dapat kawan lawan.

yang sedang? senyum.. dan teruskan senyum..setiap insan yang hadir dalma hidup kamu itu hadiah dari Dia jugak tahu??? walau you think that person is like a jerk or what.. itu hadiah, untuk, uji kesabaran perhaps? or ABM, nak ajar ape yang tak patut dibuat. cheersss...

Saturday, May 19


baru saja pulang, sejam yg lalu.....
punyalah semangat berkobar-kobar mengalahkan obor larian olimpik.

tak kisahlah..
wedding william terlepas dah..
takkan olimpik yang lagi julung dan kali ade chance nak pergi nak lepas jugak kan?

but since KPM dah tetapkan datenyer
tiket pun dah dapat and alhamdulillah, bagasi pun dah konfirm semalam, boleh check in direct dari sini.
so pergi tengok larian obor marked the beginning of Olympic season in the UK pun kira acilah..
hari tu mase pergi Innsbruck, malas punye pasal, plus penyakit puteri lilin dan etc tak layan langsung mase krew Kelana Konvoy suh pergi panjat up skit untuk bergambar dengan symbol olympic tuh. ekh, kalau betullah...ke bergambar dengan ape entah. lupa..something Olympic. see? memang bolayang habis..
padan muka. kan now dah terpikir-pikir balik?
samelah..macam bila teringat detik-detik malas dalam kelas..bolayan kat lecturers, daydreaming, x pay attention ape yang jadi, now sesal tu memang langsung tak boleh bayar balik dah. rase rugi, dan terkilan..banyak benda that i looked, but i didn't see. like, people...all around me.

hari ni, dapat pergi jualan mega bonet-kereta.
perhaps the last one...selama belajar di sini..pulun beli itu dan ini. most of it, books. for my future students ke, childrenssss ke.. hakhak..or even, well, kalau panjang umur, murah rezeki, my cucusss kerrr.. erkkk..
berat bahu memikul, berat lagi jasa barang2 ini nanti.. insyaAllah.. ^_^
haa..bought myself a box of coloring set. haha..mari kita mewarna.. yelah tuh...
ape lagi yang buat today? macam banyak sebab tiket kami nak luamt dah end td..
oh yer, tadi kami juga buat balik benda yang buat mase first week sampai dulu, iaitu pergi makan kat nawros. walaupun rase food dier dah agak berbeza, dan harga dier sangat jauh berbeza dari dulu..tapi kenangan tu same. bye nawroz. :)
tak dapat tukar duit turkey yang simpan dari tahun lepas..dah musim autumn duit kan, semua yang duit nak simpan buat kenangan tu nak tukar balik dah..i rela kenangkan nasi yang dimakan hasil duit itu LOL... anyway, manage to do something rare for me,myself and i. hehe..spend an hour buying jeng jeng jeng.. mekap. siyesly.. akhirnya, after ...what? -whatever my age is now la..
and kami dapat pergi rumah junior yang duk kat The Hoe tadi- Syahid namanye.. hihi.. macam takdan ambik gambar tadi. borak je pandai... cantik rumah dorang. best. i'm glad, korang takkan alami kesufferan kami, dek kerenah Kak Ali-anaklelaki tuh. 

tadi mase tengok the torch tuh..ade orang sebelah..dah tau duk rapat-rapat, jangan renggang boleh plak dier buat opocott-terpercik-beer-kat-baju-you-lah.. so the panas mentari hati.. kalau tak sebab saye pakai tudung puteh kan akak, maybe saye ngamuk-ngamuk tadi. bau dier tak wangi tau. this is, the part that i won't miss about this place.
bus kami pulang tadi, riang ria aidilfitri habis. nyanyi2 n etc. mungkin mereka sedang mengalami keriangan torch ataupun keriangan minuman. tak pasti.
itu juga, part yang saye memang tak bercadang untuk merindu.
thanks, today best sangat.
memang ade part tak best, tapi itulah fungsinya, at least i have some reasons nak cakap to myself to stop staring at my laptop and do nothing but crying and touching2 and sad2 sebab farewell..

hambik, kate penat..panjang menjela taip..
dah..night. ....

Friday, May 18



kelas Dave menjadi kelas terakhir kami, pada sem ini, term ini, tahun ini, dan untuk sepanjang menjadi pelajar di sini.
menjadi salah seorang ahli Raleigh for three years.
wow... disebabkan kekurangan kemantapan dari segi vocabulary esp adjectives, i couldn't describe it better than this;

ini; dan banyak lagi..please refer appendix Ain, Sab, etc. 

susah nak percaya, pemenang kategori pose paling sempoi adalah...jengjengjeng..^_^

oh ye, today jugak, kami telah diserang hendap secara bersuluh.
satu pasukan tentera bertechnology canggih menyerang bertubi-tubi selama beberapa jam tengahhari tadi.
untuk? kene tunggu....

ape lagi yer?
hurm..nak tulis taknak tulis nak tulis taknak tulis..tulis jelah..
kate personalising my blog kan?
so..today,...sedih betol. sebab today last class...but it wasn't as i have imagined..
as shown above, in da pic. not all of us were there... walaupun this time pakai tripod.
sedih, becoz i was afraid, that i might have lost the only, and the final chance to say i'm sorry,
to say thank you
and to say..i'll will miss you and how much these 3 years mean to me.
memanglah technology dah canggih,
tapi since i'm a bit traditional kind of girl (kononla..)
entahlah.... harap-harap, it wont happen that way
and we, will meet again in the future and become as close or perhaps even closer than ever!! 
love ya all. 

Thursday, May 17


i still remember when it was 123 ...
and i still remember when we lost the number 1 in front.
we were dying, attacked with numbers of huge bullets call stress, panic, pain, worry, depressed, sad, lonely, and they all came out of a machine gun call dissertation, assignment, sbe (sometimes) and etc.

but orang kat, masinnya garam, tapi garam itulah yang menyedapkan kari,
pahitnya cengkih dan rakan2, tapi merekalah yang mengharumkan sup dan nasi minyak
sakitnya jatuh, tapi itulah yang buat kita belajar untuk bangun..

i know, i hated being far away from my hometown
i was stressed out with many many many of countless things since i begin my journey here.
i cried on some of the night when we could see the star, and some of the night when we didnt.
i still do, until the next morning.
but i also laugh, and smile milessssss long ...

and last night,
i was torn in between,
kalau tak kerana taknak berairmata hitam,
aku gagahkan diri, untuk menceriakan hati.
first time, cakap dengan Tracey, my lecturer who is also my dissy tutorial makes me almost, almost yg amat sipi2 nak nangis.
dan dengar singing, from him, her, they, them, you, you, and you.. itu pun nak kene tahan hati..

adik-adik junior yang sangat baik hati.
awak buat saya bergetar hati.
terima kasih yang tak terhingga...
lecturers yang satu dan tiada ganti,
kamu-kamu sungguhlah comel dan tak mungkin dilupa.
plymouth, yang sentiasa nyaman dan menyamankan,
ok. stop. pasal plymouth kene delay je dulu.

pasal dinner yang sangat marvelous semalam.
bukan setakat pada makanannye.
ataupun air langitnyeer..^_^
bukan pada permaidani merah sahaja,
sayanggg korang.
tibe-tibe terasa, 2 tahun sudah, kita tak betul2 penuhi dengan penuhnye kan?
tapi takpe, insyaAllah, dengan izinNya, satu hari, dua hari, atau bila bila hari in da future we will meet again. and He will let us repay this for you. :)

semoga kata-kata ini boleh jadi doa, dan motivasi
 untuk menjadi seperti yang ditulis.
terima kasih.

Wednesday, May 16


24 days left.
we have farewell dinner tonight.
so, no more words please. at least, not that word just yet.
just smile, and let these smiles last...

Tuesday, May 15


macam dah suntuk sangat.
couldn't catch up...

lately, when we are so near to the end, to the final week of the term,..
my motivation level decreased to almost at zero.
going to the kelas late, almost everyday.
seriously... i need to ceramah myself every morning with lots of things to makesure i get up, and get out and then get in..to the class. ape penyakit entah.

sabar sabar.
lagi 3 hari je kelas.
actually sedih pergi kelas lately.
you just know, this will end so so so very soon.
and you wont see some of them anymore soon.
the atmosphere, the 'we', the.. everyone..
3 years huh?

speaking of sabar..
arghh..itu lagi satu.
susahnya mau jadi orang yang sabar.
i am so super tak sabar human being.
which is why i walk so fast, i think.
tapi cakap pasal sabar jugak, makin tak sabar..nak pulang pulak.

"ma makna sabar?"
"tunggu kejap.."

not trying to teach wrong thing here, but that was what my niece used to said everyday mase umur dier setahun-dua tahun lebih..
everytime dia mintak susu or makanan and my mom rush to the kitchen to make it for her..
and when she scream extremely loud, with the almost cry-or burst face, that was what my mum do.
"sabar...." soft je suara..i cant do as soft as she did..
and then she will ask again "ma makna sabar?" ("apa makna sabar?")
haa..pandai plak budak kecik tu jawab tunggu kejap..

ok dear.
i will.
tunggu kejap.kejap je lagi kan?

berbelah sepuluh ribu..sedih nak pulang, excited nak balik.
ape ni???

Monday, May 14


time flies,
and they took the fastest ride.
had fun in Nick's class today.

learnt new things..his class; so far is among the class which make me eager, so excited and can't wait for the day when i really enter a class as a teacher. practical + theory. and this shall end soon..
how sad.
farewell table.
sat with total different table mate today. lets call it farewell then. esok lusa nak tukar duk ngan orang lain lak. hehe.
u know i wont be with you guys lagi...
terpisah laut china selatan. besar tuuuh

tonton insidious tadi. dengan housemates.
best. eh, tak tak.. tak best. citer hantu, ending tak best.
hurmmm, bile mase citer hantu nak ade ending best kan?
maka, kalau hidup ni, nak dapat ending yang best;
sila jangan jadi hantu, dan jangan perangai macam hantu. ^^,

Sunday, May 13


nak istiqamah tu sangatlah payah dan tak mudah.
belum istiqamah perkara-perkara yg besar.
even istiqamah nak tulis daily blog pun payah...

27 days before i left UK.
sunday. right?
as the prefix read; sun.
its a bit sunny.

and we, managed to finally finish our group-assignment, alhamdulillah...
tak banyak boleh ditulis tentang hari ini, kerana, entry ditulis delayed sehari. lupa. siyesly lupa.

oh, and today, pencarian ala-ala cinderella berakhir jua. ^_^ thanks to my group mate. sayyyang you lah...

and today ape lg yer?
hurm..13 hb! so? hurm, i am not a fan of percaya nombor of what, but alhamdulillah,
i have been receiving great and superbs news lately on 13th.. like, hmm hmm.. jap kena cari contoh yang layak tulis kat public. ...... ok, found one, my sudden and mengejutkan setiap insan yang jauh dan dekat decision on performing Umrah. Yeah, it was on 13th march, which is 3 weeks before we went there. terkejut satu family dan satu house 13 dan seterusnya..but actually, i was surprised even more than anyone else. Takdir yang Allah tuliskan untuk kita cantik, siyesly cantik. ape pun yang kita plan, His plan far far far more beautiful and perfect. :)
so today pun ade satu, dua, tiga..oh countless good news and superb solution for things yang buat i'm a bit anxious lately. heee..

Saturday, May 12


Days remaining: 28.
seminggu lebih sudah berlalu mfest.
and me? masih mencari dan tercari-cari siapakah pemilik kandung kepada bear comel ini. pose sikit bear;
mommy..daddy..take me home.
alkisahnye, during the MFEST, i borrowed many bears and frog, and cats and macam-macam from people who responded to my post at MAM FB. however, i didn't manage to collect the bear myself, as prommised. i know, my fault. so, shari took them for me. Thanks a lot to her. however...now..bila nak return..i don't know whose who's dah... and dah message2 kat fb xde juga jawapan..dah ketuk-ketuk pintu2 umah kat kampung ni..no one said yes.. hurm..so irresponsible of me kan? 

Break seketika tentang bear comel. we had the longest group discussion ever today. 7 hours!! macam perghhhh habis.. hehe.. iklan makan2 dua kali, iklan wayang sekali..apa taknyer.. :) alhamdulillah..lega, kerja dah hampir siap. :)

Today is also the 'may ball' day. did not join the party.. but my eyes do, a bit lar.. sempat tengok some of my classmates yang pergi ke party tu dress up gorgeously.. phewwit.. :p  teringat dulu-dulu selalu tengok citer Popular, Gilmore Girl..ade je part prom night or ball, mesti beria aku and rakan-rakan berdiskusi esoknya, time rehat kat sekolah. ade ke patut, aku duk berangan kat sekolah dulu ade prom cam orang puteh gak? hadddoiyy!! itu kisah kanak-kanak bawah umur, biarkan.

Today, my friend's brother got married. and kaitan with me? well..just saying.. hehe..semua orang kawin, kawen, kawin kan now? oh, kat warwick ui pun ade walimaturus student situ yang kawin masa cuti easter hari tu.. menarik. kan best lau ade gak sekali experience tu kat Marjon? oit oit..rakyat jelata penduduk kampung yang amai damai. sape nak kawen..cepat2????

Friday, May 11


Today. 29.

not the date, but the day.
29 days before i'm going back to Malaysia, leaving the United Kingdom, after completing my three years of study here, (hehe..study gilerr 3 tahun.. :P)

so for today, and tomorrow and insyaAllah the following days until we leave this uni. i will be writing down my days here, my, hari-hari terakhir di marjon, (not really planning or have the intention to plan of another visit/returning to this uni) if you like. personalising my blog..which is personal anyway..hehe.  so dear blog, be prepared to be my second diary. :)

so hari ini, apa jadi yer?
hurm..pagi tadi..bangun lambat. huarghh.. so sleepy.To fix the situation, i....hurmm.. so,  my eyes kinda  "POP OUT" (Farah A. Ahmad, 2012). hambek..siap quote lagi..

10.45. perut manusia yang kelaparan telah meng'hungga' ke dapur dan memasak maggi-sejenis makanan yang diimport dari luar negara. sangat berkhasiat dan baik untuk tumbesaran bayi. jangan main-main maggi i import dar Malaysia okeh!! :)
11 ++ am with the news from fadz and farah, confirming that our internet telah pulang, i rushed to online- to call my love in Malaysia. Maa and Abah just get back from the hospital. Alang's in. Anak sulung...memang banyak cabarannya kan?. so she had to stay at the hospital, until the "Pop out" day. hehe.. best lak guna words tuh. sementara belum jadi teacher for real, i want to use the pelik-pelik language at most boleh? sad news from maa is, the letter i sent.. perhaps it would never arrived. sedih oooo..  Maa was like "tapi takde ape pun kan dalam tu? just surat kan? " Memanglah just surat tapi..sedih oooo.. penat tau, i karang sampai 4 pages (both side lagi).. ingat senang ke? it was the letter that sent to her, a month ago while i'm at makkah. now, u see how much..it worth to me? sentimental value, that are not going to be replaced that easily. bila lagi i nak tulis surat to my mom. and from mekah kan? hurm.... sedih... tapi takpelah.. maybe its better to say F2F what i want to say (wrote in the letter). tapi maluuu... eih, what did i write in it ekh?

ekh sat..nak iklan maggi yang sedap tu sekali;


oh ye, and today..after a month off; we had our first sisters gathering at house 21. best. Alhamdulillah..i likeee!!! Ramai gilak orang yang datang. Exaggerate habis my sabahan-tipu-tipuan dialect. but really...i guess we are missing each other as much.  Sharing for today? huhu.."love" Fadz, Atikah, Aisyah and many others point out great reminder about love and the one that i like most is the last one; as Farah points out, "sebelum mencari orang lain carilah diri kita sendiri dahulu" (Farah A. Ahmad :2012).Hurm..i just found myself recently..and still digging through..if you know what i mean so..for the second mission, lets give it a kitkat first.

Oh and tadaaaa..look, what i received today too;

with this invitation..maka jelas dan nyatalah sudah... the fact is;
goodbye will replace 'are you alright' soon..and
-are leaving.

like seriously. 

Monday, May 7

so technology, you want to have MC too huh??

hari ini, hari Isnin. tapi kami takde kelas. Monday-bank holiday. thought it is the best news ever since cuti easter. since i have lots of things to catch up after came back. with lotsa classes everyday, and works, and assigment, yang dipercepatkan plak hand in date nyer. so one day off should be a good thing. but nay, it isn'( that simple. in marjon we do everything in different way. sometimes, in complicated way. at such moment, we suffered from sudden, uninformed, server breakdown, and thanks for the weekend and off day its gonna be until tuesday. since last friday. unbeareable. yes, alhamdulillah have my phone and can online via my bb. but, but.... we have 8 days left to hand in one of the assignment, and we can't do it because the material for the assigment is in the 'maya world'. Not that accessable using hp, and we can't print anything too, because all the printers are connected and work using the net. They really want us to sleep, eat, sleep eat these few days. I'fd love too... But hey who's going to finish our assignment?
Bismillahitawakkaltualallah. Amin. *hujan batu kat luar at the moment***

Thursday, April 26


manusia dilahirkan dalam fitrah, dan dengan fitrah.

tapi manusia,
kena bersyukur, setelah sekian waktu..
terutama bagi manusia yang macam aku,
yang pernah dengan sengaja dan sangat sengaja,
duduk dalam gelap, menjauhkan diri dari cahaya.
yang dengan secara sengaja dan terlalu sengaja,
mendekati yang mungkar, dan menjauhi yang husna.
setelah sekian waktu..
sampai waktu aku sendiri rasa penat.
penat yang amat sangat...
aku akhirnya dapat pulang.
dan semoga hati kita akan terus dipayungi iman. 
penat jadi jahat.
penat tau. sangat-sangat penat.
dan paling penat adalah proses selepas itu.

old habits die hard. says the orang puteh.

buat benda jahat macam makan gula-gula. u know, sooner and later it will effect your teeth,
but u eat it anyway.
and i thought i dont like gula-gula.
not my taste.
but once a while,

and this, does count!
sikit, sekali, jarang-jarang.... all; counted.

in my life,
i love short cut soooo much.
i love discount as well..
but dalam hidup, tak semua benda you can ask for that.
dalam urusan agama especially, mana aci main diskaun-diskaun.
"takpe, singkat sikit je... " "takpe, lambat sikit je" "takpe, kurang sikit je.." "takpe, salah sikit je"...
semua sikit aje...tapi semua pun salah...
this short cut and discount lifestyle that i live in, and i still hold with me is indeed giving me headache now.

once, when i was so afraid that i wouldn't have enough time to apologies, to ask keampunan from Him, i read an article, about how sakit is actually 'washing' your sins away.
then i asked myself. Can i ask to get sick then? so that it will be faster.. faster and quicker for all my countless sins to be gone..forever?
and that, is also wrong. terribly wrong.

mana aci nak short cut macam tu plak.
tau pun penat nak bertaubat.
semoga penat tuh, akan jadi penghalang untuk aku dari terus mentop-up dosa.

kulllu nafsin dzaiqatul maut... 
and we, none of us know when malaikat maut will knock at our door.

so.. berubahlah dari sekarang..start slowly is better than nodding your head, say the istighfar but u remain the same. banyak orang including me, bila dengar apa-apa yang menyedarkan diri..terus rasa bersalah, rasa berdosa, rasa nak bertaubat..tapi rasa kekal rasa. esoknya, i wear the same ketat blouse, i delayed my solat fardhu again, i talk about people, and i this and that.
yes we can't change to be someone new in one day.
but we can change to be better and better and muchh better from day to day..if we start now lah..
how i wish, that i realise this much earlier.. much much earlier.. coz even a second earlier means a lot..but i can't change that anymore. pass is pass.

so i reallly really reallly hope that i can change it for others.
by saying, or typing this perhaps.?
oh, i just learnt that my name is a lot heavier than i thought.
and it caused me to feel responsible for myself, even more now.
what your name means? dont just read it, understand it. and then- make it real.

Friday, April 20

hadiah dari Dia.

tak ada apa lagi perkataan yang sesuai...nak describe my feeling, now, yesterday, few days ago..many2 days ago..many weeks ago, months ago.. anything after that magic moment.
there was this very magic moment..yang dibuat oleh my one and only magician yang mampu buat apa yang mustahil jadi nyata..dan sememangnya tiada yang mustahil bagiNya...
pada hari itu, ada satu lintasan yang sangat terkesan dalam hati..
tak tahu macam mana, dan kerana apa..
dan bermula dari detik itulah..

sesyukur yang mungkin,
aku bersyukur sebab Allah masih sayangkan aku..walaupun sangatlah banyak dosa dan khilaf, sangatlah derhaka, sangatlah degil, sangatlah entah apa lagi insan yang bernama aku ini...

dan beberapa yang lalu, datang lagi satu peristiwa demi peristiwa yang buat aku rase sangat disayangi.

Allah sayangkan kita,
Dia hadiahkan lagi orang-orang yang baik-baik yang menyanyangi kita..
bukan kerana apa, kerana sayang yang datang dari Dia juga..

apa perasaan bila nak berubah?
apa perasaan bila dapat pergi?
apa perasaan bila dapat jejak langkah kat sana?
apa perasaan bile first nampak; ia yang melambai, dan yang lambaiannya kini disahut?
aku rasa alhamdulillah.... ,aku rasa, cukup cukup cukup disayangi...

aku sayang Allah jugak..
sayangkan rasulNya
sayang sangat-sangat pada Islam...

dan beberapa hari yang cukup tenang lagi menenangkan ini,
buat aku lagi sayang dan lagi rasa disayangi...
Dia sayang kita..cara untuk tunjuk kasih sayang tu yang berbeza.

betul, dalam hidup, kita sentiasa buat perancangan..lepas ni nak buat apa, esok nak pergi mana, setahun lagi nak duk kat mane..apapun, rancangan Dia tetap yang terbaik.

dan inilah rancangan yang terindah dan paling manis yang pernah aku lalui..

Wednesday, April 4

kawan-kawan saya.

kawan-kawan saya cantik.
cantik luar,
cantik dalam.

kawan-kawan saya baik.
baik hati.
baik sangat-sangat.

kawan-kawan saya,
saya sayang sayang mereka.
sayang amat.

kawan-kawan saya,
saya bersyukur.
bersyukur yang tak terhingga.
kerana Allah swt
berikan saya nikmat kawan-kawan
yang cantik, baik, dan sangat saya sayangi ini.

semoga Allah membalas jasa2mu.
semoga kamu sentiasa dalam lindunganNya,
dalam perjalanan menuju hari akhir ke pertemuan denganNya.

terima kasih ya Allah.
untuk nikmat ini.
terima kasih kawan-kawanku.
kamu-kamu adalah yang sebaik-baiknya,
dan terbaik.
sayang, sesayang-sayangnya pada kamu-kamu.

kamu tahu siapa kamu.
dan Dia juga tahu.

Tuesday, March 27

time to read yourself

there a saying... that was said by someone,
the saying goes like this;

"you are what you read"


so, few weeks ago, as i was packing my stuff to be shipped to Malaysia..:))), i suddenly recalled this 'saying'.. why? because half of my shipping box was filled with books. my collection of books, that i read, will read, have the intention to read, and etc..
and the list of the books are, vampire romance (a lot of this) triller (some), murder-detective, ghostly horror (several), mystery-solving-hints (few), children bedtime story (two), and some English -teacher-to-be-references.
so who am i then?
a mysterious vampire who is madly in love and studying to be an English teacher but at the same time work as a part time private detective.

OH!!! Nehiiii...

let's change the book shelf.

there's nothing wrong with what we read..but perhaps we should have a look at "how often/many" factor too.

and most importantly,
dont forget to read the one and only guidance,
satu huruf sepuluh pahala tau!!!

Thursday, March 22

dont stop,

Bersama kesulitan itu ada kemudahannya,
Sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan itu ada kemudahannya...

I love these verses of Quran..from surah Inshirah (even planned to use this as my daughter's (future) name).

And today, after finally...finally..though not that finally yet since i haven't finish the electronic part with the cd n video and... but alhamdulillah..the biggest part of all -settled.

"with every difficulties, there's relief. verily, with every difficulties, there's relief."
duhh... i almost forgot the next verses..and has started to plan a yebedabedoo day in my mind...

"Maka setelah selesai urusan yang memberatkanmu itu, tetaplah berusaha keras untuk urusan yang lain. Dan hanya pada Tuhanmu kamu berharap."

usaha usaha usaha...

Sunday, March 4

sorry was hit by a lorry

*eh eh teringat video dulu2 sorry2 kat tengah snow*

Pada suatu hari, sesuatu terjadi...maka sorry pun telah keluar mencuba nasib, kot-kot ada yang sudi menerimanya...namun, apabila sorry mula memperkenalkan dirinya;

 "Aku sorry wep, aku betol-betol tak sengaja"..
ramai yang balas: "sorry sorry naik lori lah!!"
ada ramai yang nasihat: "alah...maafkan jelah dier..even Nabi pun ampunkan umat"
malangnya ramai jugak yang jawab: "tapi aku bukan Nabi"

maka sorry yang terkesima, terdiam di lebuhraya dan akhirnya benar-benar dilanggar oleh lori..
lalu remuklah jantung hati paru-paru dan macam-macam lagi.even biskut M&S yang sedap giler yang masih didalam packaging merahnya turut remuk sama..ruginyer...

tapi tak serugi kata-kata yang membunuh sorry..sebab,
Ya memang betul kite bukan nabi.
Tapi kalau apa yang Nabi buat kita taknak ikut, nak ikut sapa lagi?

Friday, February 24

no more no

dear you, and you and all of you and myself,

cry no, smile more,
hate no, love more.
when there's no no, you'll insyaAllah get more.

i wasn't giving a speech, nor preaching an advise..
its just words of encouraging,
with millions of hope, hoping that it could bloom a little more hope,
in you and me, and we.

have faith in Him.
He loves us all...

Sunday, February 19

Apa tanda suka?

Apakah tanda-tanda atau bukti-bukti yang menunjukkan anda benar-benar telah jatuh suka kat something, someone or some-apeapejela...?

anda teringat selalu?
anda senyum sorang-sorang macam kerang busuk? (dont know how kerang busuk's smile looks like though)
anda borak pasal tu selalu? even kat fb and twitter and dunia maya lain mahupun tidak maya?
or you cook something that was trully inspired by it??

oh yeah,
i was sooooooo crazy about this one drama currently aired by TV3 every Tuesday.
too crazy about it till i keep asking my friend if there's such drink/food with that name exist?

so semalam,
dengan penuh yakin dan redha sekali, i decided to try by humban-ing everything yang ada kat dapur, those yang guna half or suku dari majlis before and those yang i have lam cupboard.

masa buat, cuak yang terlalulah amat sebab ada certain time tu rupa dier ada unsur-unsur was-was antara nak jadi or tak jadi..jadilah resepi main tambah itu ini sesuka hati.

in the picture above, hasil setelah berkungfu di dapur..*i wasn't expected dapat banyak...which is why cuak sebab periuk macam tak mau muat dah....

bila dah potong dan dah makan lebih separuh, macam nilah rupa dier;

dan nama dier?
hehe..jangan marah ye amir n zara; can i call it puding vanillacoklat?

Saturday, February 18

jauhi GAJAH...

semalam, as stated in the previous entry we have our weekly sisters' gathering..++ sharing session here in House 13.. *tibe-tibe tangkap tacing...i wont be referring myself as one of the house 13 members dah tak lama lagi...*
anyway, back to the topic,
masa sharing session tersebut,
banyaklah stori-mori kuar...

satu ketika,
keluarlah kisah gajah.
GAJAH. (this one yer>>> )

i found this story while blogwalking gaya catwalk..at this blog @http://azamhusni.blogspot.com/2010/04/teguh-dengan-matlamat.html
so you can read the whole long version there.
the pendek version will be like this,

"once, while Imam Malik was teaching his students, suddenly a group of elephant passed by. During that time, at that place, elephant is such a unique and rare type of animal. It'll be like seeing a ufo or an alien -if you can see an elephant there. Magic dowh magic. So, every student ran to see elephant except for this one young man. Imam Malik asked him, 'why dont you join others to see the elephant?". and he replied, "I came here from a far (he is from Andalusia a.k.a Spain) to learn (from you), not to see the elephants". 

during our sharing session, i told the story and ask others to give their comments on the story,
especially the dialogue part "I came here to learn from you, not to see the gajah" (elephant- bunyi gajah macam lagi syok ar)
so here are some of the comments given
1: "like us, we are here to study not to do shopping.." uhhuk.
2: "we should focus...esp when it comes to study n..."
3: "we get what we aim. if we came here to learn about something tu, then we got the knowledge, if we came here to see the elephant we only get to see the elephantlah"
4: "have some respect to the majlis ilmu"
5: " "etc etc etc... tak larat nak retype..

So the conclusion from the story? There are so many gajah around us, whether you as a student, or a pekerja, a whatever..there's  gajah too. Gajah tu, we can put it as the 'distraction', distracting us from our main goal/aim.
BE someone with strong DETERMINATION, cleverly decide and choose your PRIORITY, and then from the strong will and motivation and what not, you'll insyaAllah become more consistent and ISTIQAMAH in whatever you do. Bagilah gajah ke harimau ke walau buaya darat tegar sekalipun..tak tergoncang imanmu, tak tergoyah prinsipmu. :) cheiwahh..

Orang kata tak guna bagi orang input kalau kita sendiri pun tak amalkan.
So last night, just 3 or 4 hours after sharing that, nahh,.,. i reached to that point: "practice what you preach" moment. We have one decision to make with several possible choices, and many upcoming implications of each choices..

Gajah gajah sekelian...berambus dari depan mataku, jangan kau halang aku dari melihat destinasi impianku.

"rabbi, a'udzubika minhamadzaatisy syayaatiin"

Friday, February 17

two to two too..

officially aged -started with the number 2 and ended the same- aCcording to any gmt zone in this planet;

And yet according to UK-zoom skit>> plymouth; skiit lagi>>>city bus, I am still legally a 'child'

nicely dated,
today is also the day where according to the kampung's schedule; it is our house turn to do the weekly gathering among the sisters... after several replan nak tukar date jadi tak jadi jadi tak jadi...last-last jadi jugak semalam..

so, for the first time,
of my entire life,
on my birthday,
i have a majlis of bacaan yasin in my house.
although the bacaan yasin isn't initially intended for my birthday la...

and actually bila dibuat scannning n skimming imbas semula; 2 years ago on my birthday, in the middle of the majlis, someone buat cadangan to do something like this in future rather than having the balloon-candle-cake stuff..

Tarikh dah lepas. Umur dah bertambah. Semoga amal juga bertambah dan hutang akan lepas.


Thursday, February 2

a painkiller, for the heart.

aku marah sangat-sangat.
and mase marah teringat janji nombor 2; 'bila marah, maafkanlah'
isyk, cepat-cepat hati yang tengah hot menjawab; "tapi now aku marah dengan library. itu bangunan, macam mana nak maafkan?!!". buruk betul rupa mase tuh.-dah duk tengah ikut nasihat pak cik shytan macam mana nak cantik?!

ok, move to the next step. steps. right when anak tangga habis ada kerusi.
'kalau marah sambil jalan, stop. kalau sedang berdiri, duduk.'
ok, pandai je library ni, tahu suka buat orang marah banyak je kerusi bergelimpangan kat sini.
dah duduk masih lagi geram. suhu now 1 ke 0 entah, tapi muka aku meruap-ruap merah. as if lah i'm looking at a mirror now.
aku marah kat cik kak yang tak buat tugas yang dah diamanahkan pada dier. aku marah kat encik yang lupa janjinyer. aku marah kat mak cik yang tak mahu paham dan menhentam sesuka ati. makin melarat, aku marah kat system library yang tak function leklok.  aku marah kat pengurusan yang x makesurekan semua tuh. aku marah kat library ni sebab library patotnye ade semua buku yang students need. makin ridiculous, aku marah kat penulis buku yang jual buku dier mahal sangat. aku marah kat yang lain-lain sebab input dorang tak lengkap.
terlupa plak nak marah diri sendiri. who ask you to choose this topic anyway?
urgh. now aku marah kat diri sendiri, sebab salahkan aku balik.
kosongkan kejap.

ape yang takde? ape yang tak kene?
 i wasn't marah actually, that marah has turn into something else.
sakit hati.
dan hati yang sakit perlukan ubat.

astaghfirullah alazeem.

the painkiller for my heart.
one and only.

Sabr (patience) & shukr (gratitude) go together. When you're not patient, you start complaining. That is the sign that you're not grateful

lambatnya nak faham.lambatnya nak ingat. dah sempat keluar word semburan api banyak dah.
ya Allah, ampunkan aku.

Wednesday, February 1

colours....calories...de kaitan x?

i have this thing about food with colours. i'll enjoy eating it double than usual!
makan yang satu tona tuh, bukan x sedap..cuma...kalau ia bulih diwarna-warnakan rase macam seri dan rase dier naik ke mata turun ke hati bak kate my mom. Ooh yes, i must "got this" from her then.

so if i cook sayur, i'll try to make it ade gak hijau tuh plus with yellow ke, merah ke, oren2 carrot ke, ape2 je..

if i can't make the sayur becomes a bit more colourful, then just make the lauk a bit more cheerful wud be fine as well..
lau ayam masak merah, sayur hijau atas nasi putih..kan dah kaler2 tuh?
lau tak, boleh buat air bandung ke air oren ke..
dangg!! kronik.

i really did enjoy myself baking this cake. its called rainbow cake. but i dont have 7 diff colouring at home, so kire acilah ni...

dier x hangus ni, dier cume sunburn sedikit

please dont judge the outer, inside dier x sunburn pown.
nah..pelangi versi baru..xde violet2 seme..nonsense tuh.. :P

 making me happier to see it a bit 'taller' this time. dari first trial mase nak bagi kat dak2 sekolah cornwall time farewell dulu..hak tuh..hurm, rendang sedikit..kuikuikui


mase untuk berjuang kembali dalam medan Dissertation setelah off-day selama dua hari. 

++hari ni shopping best giler..huahuahuahua
bye. nak start working now.

Tuesday, January 31

gila kacang

i love kacang..and any dishes/kuihs/keks with kacang in it.-which is why i like kek carrot and nasi himpit sangat...

di suatu hari ketika sedang menyiapkan assignment, my junior posted her CNY dishes at FB.
i ok je, until this picture...picture of biskut kacang yang sedap giler tuh naek!! hurmmmmmm....menggugat hati seyh.
 peberet dari zaman kanak-kanak hingga nak jadi mak kanak-kanak kotttt..

so, dapat je link resepi dari jen yong terus lompat2 nak buat, but have to tangguh for a while with kerja-kerja yang banyak menimbun,
today, as i promised to myself,( that i'll do the kuih after hand in the works,)  n janji kan tak boleh mungkir,
so taddaaaaaaa....

the before masuk oven look

the sudah-masak look

the extra zoom dekat look..


....the sudah masuk perut look... :p

oh ya, tengah2 buat biskut kacang tadi, tibe2 my housemate bagi news syok habis >>>> its SNOWINGGGGGGG!!!!! :)
memang syok.

Sunday, January 22

the pregnant schedule

My schedule for the past few days, was insanely sarat to the extent that it could compete with a lady who is pregnant for 8 months and a half. Giler exaggerate... ^^,

for the First one,
redha dan tawakkal.
Tiada musibah yang berlaku ke atas hambaNya melainkan dengan izinNya.
Rasulullah saw diriwayatkan bersabda,

Seorang muslim itu tidak ditimpa sesesuatu dari keletihan, penyakit, masalah (kebingungan), kesedihan (kerana kehilangan sesuatu), kesengsaraan dan duka cita sehinggakan (kepada) duri yang menusuknya (menyakitinya), kecuali Allah menghapuskan (mengampunkan) dengan sebabnya sebahagian daripada dosa-dosanya 
(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)

Mana-mana Muslim yang sakit atau terkena sesuatu musibah digugurkan dosa seperti pokok kayu gugur daunnya di musim luruh. 
(Riwayat Bukhari Muslim dari Ibnu Mas’ud)

Musim luruh pasti akan berakhir...bi iznillah.... :) 

yang keDua,
tak tahulah macam mana nak karang kat my tutor... shall i just give her my poem separa tak jadi?
chapter 3 remains mystery, 
chapter 3 is such a misery,
 coz u know my chapter 3; 
i'm lacking battery,
got no more energy,
my schedule isn't that free,
thinking of you seems too scary,
thus i fall asleep and let it be,
i promise to you oh my honey bee,
soon i'll be back to my lappy,
and begin typing wholeheartedly,
the one entitled Chapter 3.

number Three;

Last, but not the very least;
another three thousand words to go for Shakepeare's assignment. that's it. let stop and not making it five, five shall come in the next entry, insyaallah.