...and the foot steps that I leave behind

Monday, November 29

distant..that's all i need.

just as how deep my feeling was when i had to leave them miles away,
i knew the saying is not a fiction at all.
distant is all you need when the tie seems too lose.
for affection to bloom again, it needed space and time.
and that is what i choose to do at the moment.
hopefully, by having this distant the bridge that we shall build together will be much,
 much much stronger than anything else.
Not any of those jambatan merah style, the one that easily collapse and traditionally passed down only as children songs during their playtime.
Ours shall stand stronger and stronger, always and always.
I will, we will. I knew by heart.
I miss you, and you, and you. 
The distant between us, didn't fade this off even an inch.
I miss the time when Sir  Shariff called us 'The Bad Monday Gurls',
I miss the moment where I always find your eyes among the crowd, when my legs shaking out of nervous.
I miss the moment when we were all scared to receive Cikgu Zalli's cane, and how we laugh during recess while showing each other's palm.
I miss the day we rushed to school and pretended red is green, and pretend not to see the guard and prefect standing at the gate.
I miss the day we watched Rosalinda together, in a very wrong room.
I miss the moment that we shared in a mi sup stall after school.
I even miss the duster or books or marker that they threw at us when we were having serious discussion about national or international film and music industries,
Most importantly, what i miss most is we.
Distant did that, together with time.
Without knowing, i just do, missing this.

Saturday, November 27


if I were to give a title to this entry, i couldn't think of any other words or phrases that would suit it better than that line, the last line in Romeo and Juliet. for it should perfectly summarise everything...
there, obviously the story made on TV or movies were originally taken from real life story...just like mine now, funny-ly it suits Shakepeare's idea.
my winter begins with fireworks when John announced the changes made to our assignments...as if he could see our brains are starting to freeze already.. lalalala
i do not know if we could win the other case that we are still fighting over now..was it such a big deal to ask for that? hello..yeah, it is freezing outside, but if we can just leave the chickens and vege in front of our house and let them freeze well there, then why on earth people create a thing called freezer?
and lastly, weather forecast,...do me a favor, if you could please stop pop-up at my wall and telling me rumors.
urghhh...it is so not funny~

Friday, November 26

negative..the declaration of peace.

when its negative..
hails are all over, knocking my window hard,
the lower it goes below the zero line,
the colder it feels,
the harder hails knock my window,
(strangely) my duvet gets heavier,
my bed feels softer,
and my alarm start singing even better than CT..
and we sing together,
and the sound from Sue's vacuum are nothing but soothing,
and the sound comes together,
and my house mates sing along, velvet-ly saying my name,
and we continue singing together..
and together,
and together,
and later the almost-white Earth complains,
why abuse me?
i do no wrong..
but run baby run...class almost begins..

The Declaration of Peace.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All peace and no sweat makes life too bored.
17 for 9.
Yeah, that's how war begins today.
Oh wait, I can't write this until tomorrow.
Half-win though.
Half way to win the battle.
Praying hard it goes well till the end.
So I can continue the other half part of the story.
*the sweat froze!
to be continue...
and the other half of the story was..
Allah swt knows better, we can only plan..
Maa, I love you so much..
you and you and you..I love you all so very much too..
things happen..
oh, suddenly, can't help but to recall each line in Rudyard Kipling's 'If'..
if its snowing today..then maybe things get colder..oh.. i meant to say cooler..

Tuesday, November 23

you are among the petals in my heart..

date: 23rdNovember2010

ok, this shall be a very long speech.
Hai, my Adek. I know you hate it that i keep calling you Adek. You prohibited us from doing so since 5 years ago. But when you said that, you know, you triggered the reasons for me to keep calling you Adek, oh yes Adek. haha.. bad bad bad sister. I know I have always been very mean to you. I poked your eye with my 2B pencil when you were 5 years old, I joined the others calling you 'anak angkat dari Bosnia' and sometimes, i bullied you, to do this and that. I'm sure u remembered that well. But, no matter how cruel i was, how mean i acted, wherever I am, whenever it is, you have booked your name in the first page of my list. The page that i never skipped in my prayers.  Today is your big day, since the day you rejected the word "adek". SPM, ok how fast time flies, my Adek are a real grown-up boy now. Thank you for taking so much responsibilities already, I'm so proud of you. I wish the very very very best of the best for you. But hey, school or college or office or whatever it is, you'll always be my Adek. Hate it or not, I didn't plan to change that. Sorry. :)

Second, another big hai, my sister. She is 22 years old today.

I hate to say this, but really, I love you. Too bad I only realised that when we started to distance. And i lost the word whenever we met. Stubborn part of me can't utter the word 'love' right when I face you.  I hope you don't mind, I wrote you a letter to say that instead. Too classic? Blame my course module! Anyhow, yeah again, I love you. Happy Birthday.

>>i know it looks very childish.. seriously, this will be the 'once in my trillion years' doing such thing ok. 
And yeah, meet my Pooh, peneman tido kat sini..
otoke, you are just too far to grab in case i get nightmares..

Sunday, November 21

puppy and monyet...

i asked several people at formspring what is the connection, relation, history and bla bla bla between these two; puppy and monyet.
i wondered why was it puppy love is called cinta monyet in Malay? okay, why would cinta monyet translated as puppy love in English?  ?

thinking of someone?

b- word.

i hate it when i feel bengang...coz it will turn me to a very banggang version of human being.
it has all the baddd badd bad thingsss all in one whole package..

1. Bengang can make u stupid: u sleep the whole day becoz u r too bengang to do other things...u can't even think 1+1-3= to what and you can't even spell your name right, cant access ur own laptop becoz u r too bengang to rmber ur password.

2. Bengang makes u hodoh! :u will feel terribly hungry, hunger, hungary! all the time just want to munch somethingssssss or lotsa sleeps that u end up feeling more and more hungry when u wake up...and also extremely lazy to do other stuff including mandi, shampooing and combing your hair, yeah, turning yourself to a complete miserable looking person.

3. Bengang also means go muflis!: don't open ebay or amazon or any other online shopping webs or anything buy-able, book-able, subscribe-able when u are bengang...it takes you 30 seconds to buy three things that will lead to buying another 3, and to another 2 and later another 4, and then, you stopped coz ebay said that paypal said your lloyd said you have gone 'too far' beyond your limit. 

4. Bengang turns you to a murderer!: yeah the tendency to kill innocent fragile little things like mugs, pens, key-chains, electric stuff like your lamp or your heather or your iron or your dress or you toothbrush and many many things is to high to conquer. 

5. Bengang can cause hazardous to your health: eating mixture of wrong foods and drinks, sleep-wake-sleep-wrong-time, 24 hours eyes on laptop screen and lotsaaa other things.., it is more than lucky to just have diarrhea and headache..and migrain, and backpain and... (and lung cancer, mouth cancer, trachea cancer, cancer-cancer if you choose 'smoooky type of solution')

6. Bengang brings 'ohh!!!hurm...' : there were several videos i watched on youtube and fb, probably done out of bengang feelings, but whoever made it wont have easy  and peaceful day when shopping at malls or queuing to buy tickets at cinema, or eat at any random food-court.. without un-paid paparazzi watching.

Don't be, unless you are ready  to look ridiculously/be a stupid, ugly, broke, mad, sick and unhealthy person.

Tuesday, November 16

Raya datang lagi!!!

Oh!! Untuk kali kedua, Hari Raya Aidiladha di perantauan...
tahun lepas, rabak, tahun ni..sebak-sebak manje jer...oh namun sesungguhnya itu tidak bermakna kesanggupan untuk beraya di sini telah muncul. a huge NO for that. i want to go home for next raye! fixed. :)
the after raye prayer=breakfast. :)
Just like last year, after Eidul Adha prayer, together early this morning, we had a small gathering among us, raya-ing and eating and stuffing our stomach with lots and lotsa colourful dishes..muahhaaaha.. i really mean that word, colourful!

a big TQ to our guests, including you, Cik Biskut Bijan for visiting and raya-ing with us today...had so much fun..plus, after all what is raya celebration if you sit at a corner somewhere, all by your self??
thanks for making me smile, and for pushing that gedik2 sedih mode far aside...

Malaysia celebrates this Eid a day later, but as the mood is flying in the air already, its not a bad idea to celebrate it with my family now. Short, but not as simple. Beraya di skype. Oh, as always, virtual-celebration. I almost cry when Afiq placed his hand on the screen and kissed the webcam, a bit-not-so traditional way of salam-raya for a three year old boy. Boy, how could you be so sweet already? 
....to all my beloved, back in Malaysia or here, I love you, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha..i know you have done a lot for me, and for now, i could only thank you for all your sacrifices, and thanked Him for giving me, YOU. :)
me and miss bijan.yerr..kami memang pemaluuu..

Sunday, November 14


Sorry.. wtf might sound like cursing in a way, but, in this particular entry, the title given stands for 'what the fish'..(for this entry only)
yeah.....i was like erm.., "wtf" all the time today..

ikan ape tuh???
                      ikan ape nih???
ni ikan ape???
     tu ikan ape?
                          ape ikan ni?


In order to show our support and understanding on pak cek Rogers humanistic theory, we went out to have erm...well, a humanistic visit to check on the fish.
We were dead worried, thinking about them.
Are they hungry?
Sad? Depressed?
Or even worst,        drown???!!
Answers: NO. No, they aren't. Seriously, they are still breathing, well 'grown' and happily dancing 360 degrees.
smiling octopus

dancing jelly-fish ..
posing octopus

Next, again, to prove that we are practicing Maslow theory on erm...self-actualization, motivation and stuff...we also captured them photogenically posed via our cameras.. (as a reward for behaving well in that aquarium..ie: not biting our hands.)

hi..bley bkenalan..

si rupawan misteri yg pemalu..xtau name ape..

fish with most nicknames!

best pose, very 'sporting' one
finding nemo..oh..found one!
oh..tibe2..teringat..spongeBob and krabby patty!
playing hide-and-seek ..kot..
ikan2 layan blues...

ok fine, i'm fake!

-can't take much pictures..no flash can be used as it might harm the fish..(?) erm..ok2..humanistic visit...
-the 4D part was great!! i'm ok with percik2 manja stuff! :)
-a day with good memories.. asta!! (korean word) and also an unbelievable shocking incident to end my day.
for that particular incident, another WTF! (just the real meaning of wtf this tyme)
oh,ok.i wont forget 'today'.
definitely, 100% sure.

Tuesday, November 9

My name is....errrr

>>of me and mak cik kaunter library..and our very long 'discussion' about my name.

"Sorry, this book is not for you."
"What? Erm.., can you check it again? I booked that book just now, my name should be on that paper"
"Yes, I have checked it. Its not your name. Its for someone else"
"Sorry, but I'm really sure its my name. Its 'S',-
"No. So sorry...this book is not for you...
"Okay, look, it is for me. The name written there is the last part of my name. Its not 'binti' but it is part of my name too. Please..., you can check it from your computer"
"Owh...I see. They should have write it down here. I was confused. They should write this (pointing her finger to the word binti)"

>> of me and akak kaunter daftar...and my middle name.

"Do you have any middle name?"
"No, I dont have any."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course."
"But, I think you do have a middle name. This one, this is your middle name right?"
" 'B-i-n-t-i' "
"Oh..no. No, that's not my middle name. It's 'binti', it means the same as ..hurm...'the daughter of'."
"Oh, ok. Sure."

>> of me and a friend and my parcel...

" One slip for you. You got a parcel!"
"Huh? No..that's not mine."
"Eih? I thought that's your name"
"No la... My name kan sepatah je..Dont have--"
"But, that's your father's name right? I mean, the last part?"
"Huh?...Ohhhh...I see..Ok. Thanks"

>> of me and my funniest lecturer and ....Oh, he can speaks Malay!

"I cant remember your name. What was it again? Come on give me a clue."
"Hurm..It starts with an 'A' "
"Oh, now I remember your name"
"Ada, tak ada. Eh, ada, tak ada..Ada, ke tak ada?"
---(re-pull my smile...grrrr)

>> of me and pak cik operator taxi and booking a cab...

"And what's your name again? Is it Abba?"
"Huh?? Oh..yes yes. That's my name." (gave up)

>> of me and pak cik Asda and confirming orders..

"Can you spell your name again?
"Its 's' for sugar, 'h' for harry, blablablabla... . 'a' for alpha' and 'd' for delta blablabla "
"Okay I'm going to repeat this, its 's' for sugar......blablabala.."
"Yes. Correct."
"Okay, now can you give your email address please? Just to check you order list"
"Okay. its s------------@hotmail.com"
"Erm..can you spell it for me?"

Don't ask what my name is . I am allergic to this question too.

sebelum penat.

nangis kan penat,
jadi, jangan mula.
orang yang kita sayang, mereka cuma nak tengok kita senyum.
orang yang kita sayang, kita cuma nak tengok mereka senyum.
orang yang kita sayang, luruh hati mereka tengok kita nangis.
orang yang kita sayang, luruh hati kita tengok mereka nangis.
jangan biar hati siapapun luruh.
biar daun-daun itu luruh,
memang ini  musimnya.
biar sampai bintang-bintang ikut luruh,
malam dah terlalu gelap.
biar apa pun luruh,
iman jangan,
kasih jangan,
semangat juga jangan.
nangis kan penat,
jadi, jangan mula.

hanya mahu senyum..,sebelum penat.

Sunday, November 7

the apple of my eye...

bloom in autumn?

Nottingham: it is a beautiful place... said to be where the legendary hero 'robbing from the rich and giving to the poor' ; Robin Hood originally came from.
Though the temperature is lower than 10 degrees, and everyone seems to have 'smoky mouth' even though they didn't smoke, but those leaves are saying the opposite thing. they are red, orange or yellow. 'Hot' colour. I felt warm enough to see them. Too bad this is going to end soon...

Plymouth: I finally saw an apple tree for the first time few days ago. Just one apple left, green apple. Just along the street while i was walking home with my house mate. Glad to see that apple. Strangely, in this weather when everything else just fall, it didn't. That's how autumn robbed my heart. Motivating me to fight against sorrow and darkness with all courage and strength i got. even when it is the hardest, the tree stay alive and stand there, though all of the leaves fall. I promised i would stay strong no matter how hard i was blew away, how cold it feels and how dark it turns to be. Coz the strongest man is not the one who could move the mountain or dry the ocean, its the one who smiles in despair and stand up after every fall. The tree still look awesome, beautiful even the only thing left now is few leaves and dry branches.. I'll do my best too... InsyaAllah.

the last apple

Monday, November 1

Adieu autumn...

1. GMT
GMT changed again last night.
So have to change the routine, esp skype hour with family..
Unlike usual, I had 'trouble' this time, confused and got real angry...scolding my phone for not showing the right time.
Never thought of cursing  blaming my wall clock though...
nahh..that's what you get when you are not paying attention to the surrounding..
With that change, forecast also predicted that the sun will begin to hide-and-seek this week.

small world; and yes, we live here!
The arrival of winter!
Would that tiny little white things come again this year?

  While i was discussing with my housemates, complaining about the -,-,and- of GMT things, a Q popped up and disturbed our brain from continue relaxing on a quiet Sunday morning noon; 'which country use GMT14 ekh'? Answer by dr.Google is Kiribati island. At first I tought its a bit funny. Finding out, googling such thing just because you woke up late and confused and was angry because your phone setting went total sick.
Later, curiosity, as usual dragged us to search, seek, dig and explore more about this country. Yes, it is a country. 
Its beautiful. Hearbreakingly beautiful that I feel really truthfully so extremely sad to read that this island is dying now.
No kidding, it is beautiful. I wish I could be there someday. But hey, it is real far. So, lets leave that as another dream then, a treasured one.